What a wonderful building that we reside in. I love everything about it, as well as it's denizens. Tip top shape, with wonderful smoking facilities, and the elevators are just downright peachy keen.It's big, it's gold, it doesn't have that much mold. Yes, in this rant I will pay homage to the wonderful place that we call our second home. We should probably start with the elevators.
The Elevators.
The elevators are a primary source of concern for me. Why? The best way I can describe it is that they feel rickety. Not well made, and seems like the would have a propensity for falling several floors with no concern for the screaming occupants inside. Some of them even have a wobble. What is a wobble doing on an elevator? Well I have no idea, but the swaying back and forth, definitely causes me great concern. More fun, has anyone noticed the bounce that you get when the elevator stops? I mean, last time I checked ELEVATORS WHEN STOPPING WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE A BOUNCY MOTION! So yeah, feel safe in the elevators? I don't. Now let us talk about the little TV thing inside the elevators. This is the most useless advertising scheme ever. I believe that they have sensors on them, so that whenever anyone steps into the elevator, it provides about 2 seconds of something that you actually might want to read, and snaps to some ad that you have seen every time you ride the elevators of doom. Elevator etiquette. I have none now, it has ceased to be, I just don't care. Actually when I see someone rushing to catch my elevator, I cheer the doors on, "CLOSE CLOSE CLOSE, HAHAHAHAHA I WIN, TAKE THE NEXT ONE!". The elevators move to fast to hold someone up by clicking the open button when there is only a centimeter left before the doors close fully. Case in point, the other day I got on my very own bouncy death trap, the door was closing, someone was rushing, I was cheering. They made it. Only an inch left to go and they got to the button. The same time they actually stop my elevator, 2 other elevators open up. This man gets on mine, then proceeds to stand in the doorway for a bit, looking to see if anyone else needs a ride. The doors start to close and someone else sticks their arm in and it opens again. At this point I was only seeing red, and fixing to get out of MY elevator, and go grab one of the other two that were JUST SITTING THERE WIDE OPEN WITH NO ONE IN THEM. The first guy gets in the way of the door and it opens again, but finally the doors close and we are on our way. I was really really wishing to develop a huge amount of poot power, due to eating taco-bell the night before. I would have unleashed it upon them all, the elevator offenders would have felt my wrath via fart. Alas, my bum could not work up the gumption to provide me with the power needed to get revenge. Ah well. The rest went uneventful, and I made it to my floor finally. Oh yes, the elevators are choice.
Parking.
We have a very big parking lot, and it's all taken and used up. With the new account there are less and less parking options. Unless you are arriving at 4:00pm or later, you always have to park on the back 9. I think one of our interview questions would be "So, who are you going to car pool with?" this would be a viable option, as well as save the globe. It also would provide my lazy butt with a parking spot closer then 2 miles out. Other parking lot annoyances. People who park in two spots. I like to park right next to them. Actually before, when I would notice a spot that was really really closed in, I would put my car in it. The best one I have ever pulled would have been where I had about 2-3 inches of room on either side of my car. That was great. Had to have a friend guiding me in on the passenger side, he could not get his head out the window due to us being so close. How did we get out? Well the sunroof of course. I also had a hatchback at the time, so my other friends exited via that way. Hey, at least I got a close up spot.
Security!
WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP!!!! IT'S 6:30 LOCKDOWN I REPEAT LOCKDOWN!!! Let's hustle boys/girls we don't want any unruly tech support people getting to a floor their code doesn't support!! Krrshhck, Breaker one nine fiver, we got a smoker on the east side of the building in quadrant b, be advised smoker looks dangerous and is wearing a hat, be prepared to use force Krrshhck. Roger that whiskey tango rover edgar, unit is en route to deploy officer to route the smoker, caution will be taken. Yes the daily patrols to catch the villainous smokers who smoke in non designated areas is a high risk occupation. Hence the need for guns, obviously. If your car gets broken into well, they might take the time to dig up the tape for you, if they are not in the current process of logging elevator movements from floor to floor. Krrssch, BOB, WHERE THE HELL IS THE ZOOM ON THIS SURVEY CAMERA'S I THINK WE GOT FORNICATION IN THE PARKING LOT!! krrrshcch. Joe, c'mon we gotta use the proper protocols, tango foxtrot whiskey, remember, otherwise we sound unprofessional, over roger pillbox wilma. Oh, ok, roger wilma tango there might be a car in the lot where someone is having a bango, tech support on secret cameras for zoom quality would be appreciated, e plurubus unum foxtrot is a great cartoon, over. Rinse, repeat. Oh, let's go find the most annoying screechiyest woman on the planet to announce code reds, please kthx.
Smoking facilities.
Now, we are allowed to smoke here, and we have a few designated area's. A couple of points about this though, 1: (as pointed out by Doug) The building was built and placed just so that any where that you stand outside the building, it turns into a massive wind tunnel. The only places that you can actually maneuver too and be wind free, have "no smoking" signs on them. Now I figure this mishap was either absolute brilliant engineering, or the owners really made God mad and God is now trying to blow the building down. One of our other options for smoking, would be a room that used to be some sort of garage, it has no ventilation, and I suspect that sometime soon it will get so smoky in there that you will have to find a wall and follow it until you can find the door. Remember smoke rises, so as long as you lie on the floor as soon as you enter the smoke room, you should be ok.
Well, that's probably not all I have to rant about, but it's all I'm going to rant about for now. Sorry it took so long for a new one. :)